


a noah-shaped hole

by merlypops



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Best Friends, Feels, Friendship/Love, Henry-centric, Hopeful Ending, Post-The Raven King, The Raven King Spoilers, but they love each other a lot, everyone is very very sad, waaaay too many feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-07-23 14:00:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7466067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was a big Noah Czerny-shaped hole in the group and, try as he might, Henry couldn’t fill it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a noah-shaped hole

**Author's Note:**

> I can't stop writing angsty raven cycle fics!!! Oh my god, why did I do this to myself?!  
> Essentially... ouch.  
> I hope you guys enjoy this though.

Henry Cheng had never had friends like Blue, Gansey, Adam or Ronan before.

It wasn’t the same with the boys back in Litchfield House, sprawling around artfully on furniture in a Madonna t-shirt with RoboBee flitting around the room to entertain him. With his new friends Henry actually felt like what he did _mattered_ … like maybe he was closer to his mother this way; like maybe he was finally in her world too.

Henry had just one problem.

It was less obvious when the group weren’t all together – when Henry was travelling the southern states with Blue and Gansey, when Adam was away at college, when Ronan was building things at the Barns or spending time (surprisingly ungrudgingly) with his brothers – but it became impossible to ignore when they were all together.

There was a big Noah Czerny-shaped hole in the group and, try as he might, Henry couldn’t fill it.

He’d never met Noah before but he’d heard the others talking about him so lovingly that it almost _felt_ like he had. Henry knew that Noah liked Blink-182 and having his hair petted. He knew Noah liked the stars and fast cars and cuddling up in a blanket… and Henry _also_ knew that his old Latin teacher Mr Whelk had beaten Noah to death with a skateboard around eight years before, all in the search for Glendower.

The others had been on that same quest too but the only death then had been a momentary sacrifice, properly consented to and nowhere near as violent.

Henry remembered fighting against his panic and venturing down into that deep, dark, _horrible_ hole as he led the others towards Gansey. He remembered the hornets turning to leaves and wind and raindrops, and then he remembered the creak of the tomb door and the dusty armour, and the skeleton that lay there on the stone table.

Henry felt sick to think that someone had been killed for that.

They had all tasted Gansey’s grief on the air and that grief had been for Noah too.

This was what he had died for.

The boy who dreamt up Raven Day… killed for bones and dust, and dying dreams.

Henry didn’t think he was ever going to forget the night when they realised Noah had faded away for good.

Adam’s face was drawn and pale, and his knees made a heavy thudding sound when they hit the dusty wooden floor of Monmouth Manufacturing. His hands knotted shakily in his messy hair and he looked more vulnerable than Henry had ever seen him, like losing Cabeswater to Gansey had left him ripped open and raw.

Ronan’s jaw set, his lips pressing together in a harsh line as his handsome face twisted with grief. Ronan’s fiery blue eyes were wet with tears and his fist made a dull crunching sound when it slammed into the wall, over and over again until Adam dragged himself over to him, wrapping his arms tightly around Ronan’s middle like a little kid. Chainsaw flapped from Ronan’s broad shoulder in alarm and the tall boy slumped, choking on a sob as Adam held him close.

Blue wasn’t moving. She stood frozen in the middle of the model Henrietta that stretched across the floor and the tears were falling rapidly down her tanned cheeks. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself like she was cold and murmured: “Oh, _Noah_ ” like her heart had broken in her chest –

And Gansey – Gansey who had spent so many sleepless nights sitting up with Noah as he lovingly painted brickwork onto cereal boxes; Gansey who was kingly and regal; who always sought for _calm_ – finally lost control.

His shout was an inordinate wordless thing, a yell that reverberated around the cavernous room that seemed to feel so _empty_ without Noah sitting there in his rumpled Aglionby jumper with his caved-in cheek and his smudgy face. Gansey’s feet connected with the miniature buildings and his searching fingers tore into the houses, and there were flakes of paint and shreds of cardboard everywhere, and Gansey was choking on his sobs and everyone was staring in stunned disbelief as the destruction finally slowed.

“That was cathartic,” Gansey said quietly. His eyelashes were spiky with tears and he was breathing heavily as Ronan clapped him on the shoulder with his bruised hand, his expression almost _proud_ before the grief clouded it again.

“You were like King Kong, Gansey,” Adam said and Ronan shot him an ashamed look.

“You mean Godzilla,” he corrected, making Gansey snort weakly as Blue gave a watery laugh and turned away to dry her eyes.

“More effective than any demon,” Henry commented mildly, biting his lip.

“Goodbye, Henrietta,” Gansey joked but there were tears streaming down his cheeks as his flushed face crumpled. “Goodbye, _Noah_.”

As Henry looked around at their tear-streaked faces, he felt a strange _guilt_ almost, like he’d been trying to replace Noah all along although of course that hadn’t been the case at all.

No one seemed to know what to say and Henry had never enjoyed silence.

“I… I know I’ve never been very good with… with _words_ …” Henry began speaking before he’d properly considered it and he was already regretting it. There was nothing he could say to make this better and they all knew it. “One of your oldest best friends is… is _gone_ and I know I can’t ever make up for that but… but I just wanted to… uh… to say something to… to N-Noah.”

“He’s gone,” Ronan snapped coldly but even Henry could tell this was only because Ronan was hurting. Adam shushed the angry boy softly and Henry swallowed, searching for his composure.

“I… I’ve heard a lot about you, Noah,” Henry said to the empty room, peering into the shadows in the corners of the room where the lamplight didn’t reach. “I think you were a very good friend to make these people love you so much and… and I know I can’t even come close to you… y’know, because I can’t walk through walls – sorry, sorry!” Henry smiled weakly when Ronan threw a piece of cardboard half-heartedly at his head although his expression sobered quickly. “– but I just wanted to let you know… I’m gonna do my best to look after them for you, okay?”

Blue nodded at him silently, lips pressed together as they curved up infinitesimally at the edges.

Gansey’s shoulders slumped like all of the fight was leaking out of him, only leaving love and sadness behind. Henry pushed on, heartened.

“I would’ve loved to have known you, Noah, and I’m beyond sorry for what happened to you.” Ronan’s hands curled into fists but there was something burning fiercely in his eyes that Henry thought might be love too. “It’s just… this is so _unfair_. You deserved so much more and I wish I could’ve known you…”

“I hope you’re not hurting anymore,” Adam added.

“And you’re enough,” Blue promised, wiping her eyes hard with the sleeve of her shredded hoodie-dress as she gripped Gansey’s hand tightly. “You are _so_ much more than enough, Noah. You didn’t need to be alive to prove that.”

“We won’t ever forget you, Noah,” Ronan said quietly. He whistled low under his breath and Chainsaw fluttered down from the rafters to land on his outstretched arm. The tune echoed eerily in the dimly lit room but they were all standing close together in the lamplight, ankle-deep in destroyed cardboard buildings as their love for Noah kept the shadows at bay.

“Excelsior,” Gansey finished softly, tilting his head back to gaze out into the dark night sky through the vast windows. His eyes were shining with tears like the stars in them were overflowing. “We love you, Noah.”

They all slumped down onto the sofa together as one, a many-headed body that sought comfort in being close to the people who cared for it. Ronan’s head hung off the arm of the chair and Adam’s head was cushioned on his stomach. Henry’s leg was flung clumsily over Gansey’s thighs and Blue had just taken the opportunity to completely destroy Henry’s hair where his head was pillowed in her lap.

“That was nice, Henry,” Blue said softly and Adam hummed his agreement as Chainsaw cawed out a quiet ‘ _kerah_ ’. Ronan sniffed tearfully although he would no doubt deny it later.

“You’re better with words than you give yourself credit for,” Gansey said and RoboBee thrummed where it was waiting in Henry’s pocket, its little heart pounding with golden light as Henry’s own chest filled with warmth.

It was darker on this side of the room and the moonlight shining in through the many panes of glass stretching around them let in the glow of the stars. He wondered if he should make an excuse and leave… let them grieve in peace.

The thought had barely crossed his mind when Gansey patted his knee and Ronan curled his shaking hand around Henry’s ankle; when Adam reached awkwardly through the shadows to squeeze Henry’s hand and Blue started to muss his silky hair up again –

And a breath of icy air that sent them huddling closer together, like someone just out of sight had caused a breeze, and although none of them _said_ Noah, they all thought it.

Henry could still feel the Noah Czerny-shaped hole in their midst but he didn’t feel so much like an intruder anymore… because maybe there was room for him too.

Maybe.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Please let me know what you think because I always worry this seems really out of character and awful or something... :')


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